Of closing tabs

... and then you weep because your greatest fear is wasting this precious life.

"My mind is like an internet browser. 19 tabs are open; 3 are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from."

I always chuckle at this meme - except my brain (and my laptop) have way more than 19 tabs open. I forget what I'm saying WHILE I'm saying it because my mind has already bounced off three other topics.  Lying awake at night, I often think of the Dr. Seuss classic "Oh the Places You'll Go" as my thoughts skitter from replaying decades-old conversations to meal planning to politics to wondering if my favorite podcast has updated yet.  I've researched some pretty wild things at 3 am by the glow of my cell phone.

While having an active mind ensures that I'm rarely bored and I'll NEVER run out of creative ideas, it poses a challenge for embracing a slower lifestyle.  Sitting still is hard.  Relaxing without a purpose, even harder.  Forget silent meditation ... I can barely keep my thoughts together during guided meditation when someone is telling me what to think! (Watch this hilarious Kung Fu Panda meditation and you'll understand me better!)

Inner peace

Inner peace

Dinner, please

Dinner, please

Dinner with peas

Dinner with peas in a sesame soy glaze .....

Yep - pretty accurate!

Most experts suggest structure, lists, and plans to be more efficient.  And it's true that when my days are dictated by a "must do" list, I stay on track and can be incredibly productive. But the whole time, I'm dreaming of free time when I can do "whatever I want."

Then comes a free hour.  Or day.  Or off-season when days of unstructured time stretch before me.

Now my brain unveils a whole new set of tricks.  It dangles a thousand glittering options in front of me and just as I start to choose one, it reminds me of all the reasons another one could be better.  

Take this "free" morning for example: Let's read!  All good writers read a lot.  Hmmm ... that book doesn't feel quite right.  Maybe a different book?  You probably need to do some yoga first. Loosen things up.  Oh ... it's getting late.  You're supposed to eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking.  Now you don't have time to read because your newsletter needs to be finished.  Look at the temp ... it's getting hot out.  You'd better hit the beach NOW or you'll miss your window. You could write when you get back.  Wait - you haven't showered.  You can't go out in public like this.  But if you shower and then put on sunscreen, you'll be all sticky and need to shower again.  It's probably too hot already.  Maybe you should shower and go to a coffee shop.  But you have perfectly good coffee here and you need to write.  You DO like writing in coffee shops but what if there isn't an open table?  Then you'd have wasted all that time driving there. Hey .. you haven't eaten yet.  And did you notice how hot it is now?  You are wasting this whole beautiful morning! You came here to BE ON THE BEACH and now it's too hot. You missed another morning beach walk.  You should have gotten up earlier.  And showered. And eaten.  And written. And what kind of writer doesn't even read?

YOU CAN'T EVEN DO VACATION RIGHT!!!

And there it is ...

The ugly underbelly of all these mental gymnastics.

In that moment, I knew I needed to do the one thing that always brings me back to sanity.  I grabbed my journal and pen and headed for the backyard table in the shade because my inner voice is right about one thing ... it's dang hot!

I'm sharing what I wrote in hopes that it will bring a little peace to you as well.

YOU CAN'T EVEN VACATION RIGHT!!

OOPS!  Your thoughts went a little too far that time, didn't they?  I love when they do that because you wake up a little more each time it happens.  You see a little more of the harshness and absurdity behind these ideas you accept as true.

For example, the idea that you have to do things the "right" way in order to have a good life.

You live by a thousand rules that you've internalized since your earliest days.  Rules that tell you that there is a right way for everything.  A right way to eat. To breathe. To sit. To walk. To work. To rest. To make art. To love.

The chorus of voices began with well-meaning instructions like "sit with your knees together" and "elbows off the table" and has crescendoed to a roaring racket ... Three meals a day. 10,000 steps. 12 hugs a day. 8 glasses of water. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. Cut carbs. Limit sugar. Eat good fats. Get quality sleep. Show up early. Stay late. Buy ethically. Support local business. Be an informed voter. 

On and on and on ... doing all the right things.

You keep opening more tabs. 

Buying online classes. 

Searching and REsearching. 

Always growing. 

Always stretching. 

Always thinking. 

Always TRYING TO GET IT RIGHT ...

... until you're exhausted and angry and sad because everything keeps slipping through your fingers like the sand when you try to hold the beach 

It all slips away no matter how HARD you try (and you try the hardest, love) and then you weep because your greatest fear is wasting this precious life.

Stop.

Shhh.

Take a breath ... you can even take it through your mouth if you want!

Close a few tabs on your laptop and in your brain.  

Even better, close them all.

I want you to know that you're not doing it wrong because you can't seem to get it "right."

There is no "right" way to live an hour or a day or a life.  There is only a beautiful world that welcomes you into its arms every morning and quietly turns while you sleep each night.  There is only God who lives and breathes and touches and creates and loves through you.

You can do yoga or eat a doughnut.  You can read Rumi or tumble down a rabbit hole of online toxicity.  You can write beautiful words or snarl at your spouse.  You can do the "right" thing or the "wrong" one and it may surprise you to know that none of these decisions matter as much as you think they do. 

What matters is that you choose from a place of curiosity, wonder, and love.

Think of little Z (my grandson) staggering along the beach in his new sandals, belly sticking out, sticky fingers pointing at this shell or that bird.  Almost tipping over backward to watch an airplane fly over.  Laughing one moment. Crying the next.  Suddenly falling asleep with a half-eaten veggie straw crumbled in his fist.

Could he be any more precious??

He doesn't know the rules yet.

He doesn't know that there is a right way he should be doing things.  That he should suck his belly in and not feed seagulls or eat rocks. He hasn’t learned to overthink every decision. He hasn't yet been informed that he should sleep when his food is finished and his work too.

Does it seem impossible that your life could be as simple as his? Is it too outrageous to think that you're allowed to want what you want?  That you're adorable when your tummy is round and your skin sticky?  That you can turn from this thing to that because it delights you and it doesn't always have to make sense or be productive?  That you can suddenly plop down for a nap or a good cry because you've reached your max and that's ok?

Already, you hear the protests in your head - a thousand rules that remind you not to be ridiculous.  You're an adult.  You have responsibilities.  You can't go staggering about like a child.  Your mind races ahead to figure out the next right thing while your body stands still so that you don't do the wrong one.

Perhaps it will help if I tell you that you'll never learn enough or do enough or love enough to get it right.  

Everything will still keep slipping through your fingers and that can SET YOU FREE because beaches were never meant to be held.  

When you are overcome by the immense resources of knowledge and wisdom, the endless sensations of sunsets and spaghetti and song, the buffet of options for how you might live, the vast libraries of words yet to be written and read ... allow the sheer glory of it all to wash over you in a wave of wonder.

This is your LIFE!  Isn't it incredible??

Pick an option.  Any decent and kind option will do. 

Now go and do that thing with all the great love in your heart.

It will never be enough.

And it is also more than enough.

HINT:  You get extra points if you let your belly hang out and fall asleep halfway through.